Something that is rarely talked about regarding eating disorders is how turbulent the recovery process is, and it’s something that I have wanted to write about for a while and never had the courage to. This is going to be a relatively short description because I'm still processing it myself and honestly, I can't fully explain exactly how it affects me.
It’s not a case of having an eating disorder one day and waking up the next morning to find yourself relieved of it and it has to be mentioned that just because someone is back to a healthier weight does not mean that they are not still suffering. For so long I deprived myself from eating exactly what I wanted and, more often than not, I still do but it just isn’t to the same extent as before. One of the most daunting things about being in recovery is never knowing when the thoughts are going to stop, or when the feeling of tremendous guilt surrounding eating something that is considered “bad” is going to cease, even though you know that ‘bad food’ and ‘good food’ doesn’t exist - it’s simply food.
Another difficult aspect for myself has always been my incessant negotiation with the eating disorder. The most difficult moments are ones in which I view using the ED as an option, when I’m negotiating with it and when I’m holding up the ED as an equal option to choosing recovery. The best way that I can describe this is by literally relating it to something everybody experiences simply through human nature: when you’re given choices, it’s very likely that you’re going to question whether or not you’re going to be satisfied with the outcome because whatever decision you make, you’re often left thinking about the other one. When you conceive another possibility, it leaves you questioning your current situation. So, on the days that I feel stronger and I feel like I am making progress and I feel like I can finally fully enjoy life, the thoughts somehow worm their way in the next day and I am left over-analysing my decision to let myself live. The obsessions that I have conditioned myself to live by is something that I am working on right now, and I don’t know how long I will continue to work on them for because I have accepted what I am going through and it is a constant battle. What I know now that I didn’t know before, is just how present disordered eating is in my life and I want to share some of the ways that it remains with me for those that are going through something similar:
Sticking to one type of ‘healthy’ dinner every day and not straying from it
Mentally counting up the calories of everything you eat
Feeling guilty for eating something that you want to eat and/or deliberately refusing yourself permission to do so
Sorting food into two categories: good and bad
Not being able to look at yourself in the mirror/feeling disappointed by what you see
There are many other ways that disordered eating manifests itself but these are a few of the main ones. By looking at me, many may think that I am over everything I went through at my lowest time and it is easy to presume that, but just because I don’t act upon the ED thoughts like I used to that certainly does not mean that I’m not still tormented by them. But the fact is, I know that I am. I still get extremely stressed and anxious over my body image and I feel like it needs to be changed. However, I know that it doesn’t need to change at all, and I know that my life would absolutely not be better in any way if I looked different, so why don’t I start to lean into that idea a bit more? I know that so many others along with myself (some are possibly reading this right now) think that chasing a different body is going to change how happy you are, but in reality it doesn’t. The all-consuming obsession that goes hand-in-hand with an unhealthy weight loss goal is not worth giving up your life for.
Things I am actively working through:
Letting go of all restriction. Mental restriction is still there and it needs to feck off. It’s hard to always eat everything my body asks for.
I still have fears about going back to the tiny shell of a person I was before but I know that I cannot give up my friendships, relationship, and memories again just to shrink my body to a size that isn’t meant for it.
Stop placing my worth on how my body looks because that’s boring and mentally draining af.
Stop striving for a toned, flat stomach when I personally don't care if I have one or not.
Remembering back to when I was at my lowest weight and finally thought I would feel valid is when I felt the most empty. I still felt like I needed to lose more and I felt the most insecure about myself.
Every day, I’m working on the mindset that I will never be fulfilled until I am the one that accepts me and my body, instead of constantly chasing external validation and trying to meet societal expectations that are literally made up. And if you’re reading this and are struggling, I want you to work on that too. Xo
