*TW*
Even with a trigger warning on most ED content now, I still find myself reading it which is very counter-productive of me. Personally, I put this down to the twisted ED mentality, wherein I desperately want to be fully recovered and not think about what food I’m eating every single second of the day but also, what am I going to do with not having control? There’s a lot of talk about “missing” the eating disorder and it’s true. Messed up. But true. This is inherently linked to body dysmorphia (at times, mine is unbearable). I want to love what I see in the mirror every time I look in it, but I also subconsciously don’t want to fully let go of control. I know that my body dysmorphia and fear of weight gain is linked to some form of deep-rooted fatphobia, and I am trying to unlearn that but society has held the thin ideal against women for too long to simply be cured of this. However, eating disorders aren’t simply about wanting to lose weight – it can also be the perception that you’re not good enough to not suffer.
Living with body dysmorphia is incredibly exhausting. I don’t have a scale in my apartment and actively do not weigh myself but recently I’ve been somewhere that did have a scale and I weighed myself for the first time in forever. When I looked at the number and saw that it was lower than I expected, I immediately felt smaller and relieved. Feeling bigger before weighing yourself, then immediately feeling smaller when there’s a lower number on the scale is a sign of body dysmorphia. Similarly, seeing yourself as much smaller before eating then as much bigger after eating is another example of BD. If your perception of your body changes in accordance with what / how much you eat, that is body dysmorphia. Most of the time, I workout because I’m scared of what my body will look like if I don’t. I recently saw the question “if your workout didn’t affect your weight, would you still do it?” and to be honest, my answer to that is no. It’s terrifying because exercise is supposed to be there as a daily de-stressor and a rush of endorphins that contribute to physical and mental health. It isn’t exclusively for weight loss, but for a lot of people working out coincides with losing weight.
Sometimes, my body dysmorphia gets so bad that I abuse laxatives. I’ve only recently learned that laxative abuse is a form of binge eating disorder which genuinely shocked me. Society thinks that binge-eating disorder only applies to those that make themselves sick, but clearly not. Laxative abuse is a prevalent issue amongst those suffering from an eating disorder and occurs when someone wants to get rid of “unwanted calories” or to feel “empty”. The belief that taking laxatives is effective for weight loss is a myth. It doesn’t get rid of any calories ingested but instead rids the body of water, minerals, vitamins, the list goes on. Despite knowing these facts, I still often feel the need to abuse my body in this way – that’s how warped the ED mindset is. Laxative abuse can result in death, but that doesn’t deter me. Terrifying.
Some things to look out for that people don’t want to talk about but are signs of an eating disorder/body dysmorphia:
- Being secretly happy when you’re sick. When you’re sick, you lose your appetite which may result in those with an ED being “happy” because it can be seen as a chance to lose weight. (I’m guilty of this).
- Watching ASMR food / What I Eat in a Day videos. It might be satisfying to those suffering to watch someone eat without being the person eating. This is a sign of food obsession. (I’m also guilty of this)
- Searching new diets on the internet constantly. Continuously looking up the nutritional value of food, food-related information, reading about different diets that celebrities are doing and exercise routines for quick weight loss.
Every single time I walk past a mirror, I instinctively try to hold my tummy in to try and look thinner. Every. Single. Time. It’s obsessive and results in feelings of disgust and ultimately feeling the need to socially isolate.
Contacts for help:
· Eating Disorders Association (N.I) – 028 9023 5959
· BEAT NI – 0808 801 0434
· BEAT England – 0808 801 0677
· BEAT Scotland – 0808 801 0432
· BEAT Wales – 0808 801 0433
Kommentare